Hey! I’m Alex and I’m super thankful you stopped in to hang out for a bit for an update or an introduction.
Currently, I’m sitting on my mother-in-law’s couch next to their pellet stove with a giant cup of coffee and huge over-ear headphones listening to brown noise. My two little girls are playing in the living room with magna-tiles and watching Bluey, living their best life. And I’m settling down. Settling in. Roosting a bit, if you will.
So grab something warm to drink, a cozy blanket or cardigan, and let’s chat for a little while.
It’s been a little bit since I’ve done a major check in. Lot’s has shifted and changed in the last few months, and a lot is honestly still the same. Maybe it’s mostly me that’s shifted and changed the most.
Writing Updates:
My thesis is turned in to my committee and I’ll have my defense at the end of the month. My thesis is a 109,000 word YA fantasy novel, set in a Victorian Camelot. I’ve been dubbing it as a Robin Hood, Merlin BBC Show, and North & South retelling. Is mental health fantasy a thing yet? Cause my magic system is definitely based on therapy techniques. I honestly can’t wait for my defense because I get to answer all sorts of questions about the book of my heart and explain why I chose what I did and where my book fits in the literary world. It’s incredibly nerve wrecking, but beyond that, I’m just so proud of this book and I can’t wait to hear their feedback. Once their feedback comes in and I get feedback from a few beta readers, I’ll work on another edit or two, and get my query package ready for this summer! I have a much better understanding of my voice and my hopes for my writing, so I am hoping this round of querying is more fruitful than the last!
Staying in Philly:
The day after my thesis, we get the keys to our next home in Philly. A lot of plans have fallen through over the last few months, and a lot of doors were closed for us to leave. Everything was getting too stressful and all happening at the same time, and we were on a deadline to make a decision. We decided it was best for us to settle in to staying in Philadelphia for another year, really enjoy the city and year with what it all offers, and get some relief from these last two years of me and my husband working nonstop on our masters. We really don’t know the city as well as we wish we did after two years of living here. So we’ll be getting a new place with some extra space for us and closer access to walking trails that we really love.
Personal Shenanigans:
These last few years definitely have felt like a pressure cooker of refining and weathering myself. I’ve been my own enemy, hating both my mind and body at various points, yet also so incredibly proud of this body for seeking trauma therapy, proud of this mind for getting through a masters while hanging with my kids, and resting in the place that I’m in. Most growth that’s happened during our time in Philly is a large reason for this website and space, which I’ll get into in a little bit. But through this season, there’s been intense emotions and lows, enjoyable highs and mountains conquered, and a real reckoning with where I am and who I am. I’ve come to love my flaws as much as my gifts; they make me human while showing me where I need community to fill the gaps of the aspects I could never be. I’ve come to realize that I am a deeply spiritual person and really desire to be known by God and to feel safe with him, no matter how much I’ve tried ignoring that, been angry, or tried running from it. I’m in a place of rebuilding and holy moly, it is soooooooo stinking good. And terrifying. And triggering. And slow.
My mental health and various diagnoses have been at an all-time low these last few years, to depths I didn’t know I could go to, unaware that I could be so afraid of my own brain. Yet, they helped me realize I could no longer mask and hide behind people pleasing and being a good person. Through moving and parenting and choosing to leave our known community, I was forced to face my trauma and deal with things I thought I’d already worked through. Through that process, I realized I am neurodivergent and was diagnosed with ADHD, PMDD, anxiety, and major depression. All working in tandem, all while staying home full time with the girls and doing my masters full time, while my husband worked full time and was doing his own accelerated masters program. I didn’t have the same hope in my faith that I’d relied on for over 10 years. It was a crumbled mess of ash that, at the time, I was thankful to have some space from.
This Space:
So. Here’s where this space comes in. During this time, I oscillated between various social media spaces looking for other people who maybe were a bit like me, in no certain amount of combinations. Creative, parents, neurodivergent, deconstructing their Christian faith and leaving it, or rebuilding it back up. People that were pursuing publishing the books of their hearts as independent publishing or traditional. And I’ve found people throughout the last two years that identify with one or more of these spaces. But I wanted to create an open but protected space to have deeper conversations that aren’t on social media necessarily. It’s a tumultuous place and isn’t always safe to crack open deep heart pains and opinions about these things on Instagram.
I will post a lot of things that I have worked through the last little while, from learning about my ADHD diagnosis and not letting myself fall into the trap of it becoming a complete personality trait like the Myers Briggs or Enneagram. Or how I have worked through my rage as a parent. Or various aspects of my writing process. Or ways that the particular modality of therapy I am in has helped. Or things that make me happy right now. Or ways that I am healing through the pain and suffering and dealing with it head on instead of hiding from it. Or learning that God is still a safe place for me, in all my flaws, and how I think he’s okay with us being tiny humans. As Richard Rohr has said, and this is majorly paraphrased, “God becomes what he loves. He shows his love by becoming the thing he loves.”
So I will (hopefully soon!) have a forum/discussion board with a weekly question for the various aspects this website will encompass for us all to chat through. Sometimes it’ll be based off something I’m learning at the time, from a book I’ve read, or a post I made that week or have planned. I hope to post a blog on Tuesday mornings, have a poem on Thursday, and then do a round up at the end of each month of the most popular posts, random things I’m enjoying, etc.
Disclaimer. This will be blocked through a pay wall. It’ll be small. But it’s the only way I can think of to ensure that those who want to utilize this space are truly protected in their thoughts and open ended discussions. Only those that want to be there and discuss will want to pay for it, ya know? So keep an eye out for an update on when I get this forum thing figure out and up and running.
Second Disclaimer: I in no way, shape, or form, claim to know everything or the right answer, or will in the future. Ever. This is truly just a space to share my journey, to connect, to make a space for others on a similar journey to feel seen, humanize us all, etc.
If you’ve read this far, hey. Thanks. I’m so ready to dive into the deep places with you and grow and chat and question and discuss and disagree and learn and cry and heal and just hold space for you. I’m really glad you’re here.
